The Plight of the New Partner

Months ago, I published an essay titled “There is Tension Around These Tenses.” In it, I described my ongoing struggle to use the proper tense when discussing my deceased partner and some of the effects it was having on the relationship with my new partner at the time.

We discussed it occasionally, and I thought I had a semblance of what her challenges with the situation might be. I tried my best to put myself in her shoes and wrap my mind around the difficulties that might come part and parcel with being in a relationship with a somewhat newish member of the Widower’s Club.

Then I posted that essay on Facebook. A friend of mine commented on it and, in doing so, helped pull the veil back for me. My initial plan with this essay was to dissect and or paraphrase her comment. But I felt like that would be doing a disservice to how incredibly insightful and wonderfully disseminated those thoughts about her personal experience had been. So with her permission, here’s her comment…

“My partner lost his last partner to sudden heart failure. For me, it was a process of understanding his grief and allowing this person I never knew, but was also apparently very wonderful, into my life. At first, I felt a little hurt, because how can I compete with this person?

Then I realized it wasn't a competition, but a continuum. For a new partner, it can be hard to know that your relationship wouldn't exist without that loss. You feel no ill will towards the departed, but you also know there might be some comparison, and you have to process that.

He no longer refers to her in the first person, probably because it has been 10 years. But I know it still hurts him. (She) is now a part of our lives and our story. I try to honor her because I keep living the life she didn't get to. This is hard stuff, for sure. Thank you for talking about it.”

Well, damn. Yeah, that…all of what she said. And there’s obviously far more to it, but that’s enough for me to churn on for a while. I hadn’t really put myself in anybody’s shoes. But those words certainly helped me dip my toes into some deeper perspective. Thanks, Sarah.