There is Tension Around These Tenses

December 2023

I was talking to a friend months ago about Kara and kept referring to her in the present tense. Something I recognized somewhere in the middle of that conversation. That didn’t change the pattern, however. Then at some point, and I don’t remember the exact circumstances, another friend very delicately mentioned that I was doing it. Not as a corrective measure, but more out of curiosity. Why was I talking about her like she was still around? Finally, I was having lunch a few months ago at a friend’s house with my new girlfriend and made the statement, “our place” referencing Kara and me, and the property we shared.

My partner was gracious, leaving it alone in the moment, but she did bring it to my attention later on, which caused me to glitch out a little. I wasn’t upset; I just didn’t understand why what I said and how I said it was incorrect in any way. In my mind, that place will always belong to Kara and me—it will always be ours, whether she’s here physically or not.

My loving and patient girlfriend calmly pointed out that she wasn’t trying to tell me that it was high time for me to move on or that I needed to let the past go. Her point was simply that, given the current status of our relationship, the usage of “our” might be confusing to others if it doesn’t allude to her and me.

I’ve been living in both the past and the present, and honestly, I still regularly have a hard time detecting the emotional line between them. After some reflection, I understood where she was coming from, and it made sense. Causing some embarrassment on my part for not even recognizing such a proper consideration.

In many ways, Kara is still here and always will be. In some ways, she is not. But whether I say she “is” or “was”, or we “are” or “were”, it is based entirely on gut feel and where my heart and head are at the time. I never think about the tenses when I’m talking about her. But I recognize there are instances when I should. And I will. Like everything else in this process, it’s a process.