The Great Beyond

August 2022

The degree to which I am willing to accept extreme coincidence as actual evidence that Kara is somehow still with me, in any way that goes beyond memories or mementos, correlates directly to my level of desperation. And today I am quite desperate.

Six months ago we lost her. I typically try to avoid recognizing such dates or anniversaries. And there have been a few that went right on by without my noticing - which I’m thankful for. But this wasn’t one of them. I started feeling melancholy last night and by morning was mired in sorrow. So, much like on her birthday, I decided to embrace it and take her with me on another hike rife with relationship significance.

A few years ago we spent a wonderful New Year’s Eve in Pacific City, hiking on the Nestucca Spit before the evening’s festivities. I knew being there with her today would be difficult but I also knew that there would be plenty of places for solitude on that land mass. So after visiting the dancing trees that she loved so much and taking in the ocean views from the dunes, we hiked inland. I found an inviting bed of moss and laid down with her.

I pondered and cried, cried and pondered. Our life together, life since, and how my newfound semi-spirituality fits in around my ubiquitous yet open-minded skepticism. Perhaps, as is my way, I’m over-analyzing and searching for either utter meaning or its absolute absence. When the fact of the matter is that this last week some miraculous acts of nature along with my instant interpretations of them, provided the comfort and peace I’ve been so earnestly attempting to corner and capture for the last six months.

To what degree Kara may or may not have been actually involved in the giving of those gifts shouldn’t be what matters most to me. In my mind she gave them, I have them, and being thankful for and holding onto them is where my focus now resides - regardless of how well my analysis of these events might hold up to logical scrutiny. So thanks, honey, I’ll gladly take all of it. Now I'm getting day drunk.