**This is the next in a series of essays that deal with my evolving thoughts, feelings, assessments, and experiences with the concept of love and loving again after the loss of Kara and the life I had at the time. It’s an ever-unfolding journey that I’ve been writing about in one way or another from the beginning.**
Part 3: What’s Happening Here?
August 2023
A few days ago I was in Portland on business and decided to stay overnight so I could visit whatever friends might be available. I threw the Bat Signal up on Facebook about a week prior and got a number of takers. All of which backed out before the day of. Except for one lady. A person I had known for years but hadn’t seen in just as long. Once my dance card had been involuntarily cleared, I told her I was completely free for the evening and that we could meet earlier and potentially do dinner if she was available, which she was.
I had always found her attractive, in many ways, but never gave it much thought as I was very happily coupled up. We ordered some drinks, started talking, and immediately settled into one of those magical comfort zones. No expectations, no preconceived notions, just two old friends that as it turns out, had both always been somewhat taken by the other.
After a rousing Cliff’s Notes catch-up on each other’s lives, and being somewhat socially lubricated, we scaled the conversation down to more contemporary topics, to include our respective current love lives. Hers was nuanced and multi-layered. Mine was non-existent and indefinitely dormant. I forget who mentioned it first, but in short order, our mutual admirations were revealed. I witnessed an eye glimmer which bore a stomach flutter and a slight oxytocin surge. And it staggered me for a moment. I hadn’t felt that in a very long time and up until that moment, had no expectations that I might ever again.
Hours passed and the evening unfolded. We thoroughly explored our current situations, be they complicated or completely lacking. Because even though I was technically available, I wasn’t sure if I truly was. I expressed to her that the best I could offer anybody right now was companionship with question marks. Which she understood 100 %. Of course, she did. She’s a lovely human, after all. Not to mention, she had her own scenarios to contend with.
Here’s where things get a little hazy. And yes, we were a few rounds in, so haha. But I was telling a story when I looked across the table and noticed that a pair of deep, glimmering pools of soul had replaced the set of female eyes that were there just moments ago. And I remember thinking to myself, “There’s no way you’re gonna keep looking at me like that and not get kissed.” And almost without my knowing or acting on it consciously, that’s exactly what happened. I kissed a girl. And I liked it.