Love After Life Part 2
Maybe Someday.
**This is the next in a series of essays that deal with my evolving thoughts, feelings, assessments, and experiences with the concept of love and loving again after the loss of Kara and the life I had at the time. It’s an ever-unfolding journey that I’ve been writing about in one way or another from the beginning.**
Part 2: Maybe Someday
September 2022
I don’t regret loving recklessly and completely. And I certainly don’t regret being lucky enough to have been on the receiving end of such love. Yes, when something like that is taken from you, in whatever fashion, the void that remains is an almost unbearably dark one. But how incredibly enriched is a life for having been a part of such a thing?
Loving and being loved by Kara was the most beautiful, fulfilling experience of my life and it’s worth whatever I might now endure and for however long it needs to take. And I would do it all over again tomorrow if I could.
But that’s not an option. And without that one, I have no interest in any others. Is it ironic then, now that I have finally matured to the point that I would consider myself to be a semi-viable partner, that I no longer have any interest in being one? Or perhaps it just means that I am on the verge of attaining some form of intrapersonal Nirvana. Having reached the point where the relationship that means the most to me is the one within.
And now, after finally demonstrating the ability to consistently be truthful, respectful, and attentive to myself, have I opened the door to a loving and reciprocal relationship with the universe at large, and its many inhabitants. Thus arriving at a place where I need not seek any further.
Yeah, not likely. I think it just means I still miss Kara something terrible.
Or maybe I have no interest because I feel like there are no blind spots in my love life rearview mirror. Within the adult relationships I’ve had, there are no itches left to scratch. And with Kara, not only did I receive the most complete love a man could ever hope for, I’m inclined to tell you that in this case, I gave that same love right back. I’m aware that not a lot of people get to make that statement. Trust me, I am endlessly grateful for it.
“But love always finds a way, and you still have so much life left, and when you least expect things….” Yes, I’m aware. I’m old enough to recognize all of that as true. And if the powers that be see fit to open my mind and heart to potentialities in the future, I’m not going to swat happiness to the ground in the name of an “I told you so!”
Currently, however, I’m just not interested. I feel like there’s nothing left that I wish to achieve when it comes to love. I’m at peace with, and quite happy about that. So while I am technically open to love if it crosses my path again someday, if it doesn’t, there will be no love lost.