February 2023
It’s been a year since the loss. One year later and I still can’t reliably place myself in a public setting for an extended period of time. I can, however, be functional for planned encounters that last a brief and pre-determined amount of time - for the most part. Which has allowed me to see friends and engage in some aspects of work. So that’s something. But I’m still not happy with how not happy I am at this point.
The extrovert/public speaker/tour guide aspect of my personality still has a regulator on it that I am unable to open up and at this point, it’s a little frustrating. Like, will I ever get that shit back? As far as my own personal assessment of the situation goes, I’m split between, “Well, it has only been a year” and, “Come on man - it’s been a whole year.”
I have a number of friends who are introverted and or struggle with social anxiety. I consider myself an ambivert with some baseline understanding of those feelings and am sensitive to the plight. But when, to some degree, you’ve lost an entire aspect of your personality, the “fun” and in some cases, money-making half of your persona, it can be somewhat disheartening.
And you can forget about parties or crowds. Though admittedly, my inability to tolerate mass humanity is at least partly my own doing, a byproduct of years spent living off the grid. Throw in my new-found social anxiety, the current need for peace and tranquility, along with the inherent get-off-my-lawn-ness of advancing age, and you’ve got yourself a fella who is quite averse to clusters of people. Which sucks. Because I still like people and it would be nice to like them in person again instead of from afar.
*Postscript*
In August 2023, I applied for and got a position as a Part-time Tour Guide and Brand Ambassador at the Tillamook Creamery.
It's interesting, I would imagine, to reread these older excerpts and how so much has changed in this following year. Still healing is a journey, not a destination. When I lost my life partner (divorce - not death) it has taken nearly five years to truly recuperate to the point of feeling like my real-self again, and regain the grace, peace and confidence that I had prior to the loss. There are some things about myself that have also permanently changed, and I have yet to discover if that is for good or naught. Best of luck as you continue to heal and discover happiness again.