Where Do These People Get Off?
May 2022
Ever since the loss, I find myself getting irrationally disgruntled with people out in the world or on social media just brazenly living and enjoying their lives. As if my world didn’t just end a few months ago. The nerve. I’m not really upset with them, of course. They don’t know me. And even if they did, they have every right in the world to live this one precious life they’ve been given in the way they see fit. Hell, I’m always that guy - perhaps annoyingly so. Was, anyway.
So maybe that’s what’s upsetting me, it’s a jealousy thing. That used to be me. I was the one with the glimmer in his eyes surrounded by laughing faces. I’m the guy who's supposed to be out there eating, drinking, and being all sorts of merry! Instead, I’m in the corner hanging on by a thread while these cretins are yucking it up.
Perhaps this is an opportunity for me to take to heart the old truism, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” It doesn’t mean that those around me should empathetically live their lives less out loud just because mine has been muted. Or that I’m going to need to tone it down if I ever get to feel that way again.
On the contrary. It means I need to understand that they are living bravely and defiantly in the face of the battles they are currently waging. I should be cheering them on, emphatically. If anything, those people out there dancing in the sun should serve more as an inspiration for me to keep singing in the rain until my own skies clear again.
I suffered a brutal divorce, my ex really took me out mentally. I felt the same way about any type of romance for about a decade...how could they, it's all a lie, what bullshit, etc. I couldn't move past it, I thought. I'd love to say my heart was healed with new romance, but it wasn't. It has mostly healed in an even more spectacular way. I learned to love myself when I was by myself. I guess you could say it is a romance with myself. I still am a little bitter from the catastrophic betrayal, but I'm working really hard, with the help of an amazing professional, to get to the point where I feel like someone would accept and appreciate my love, and that I might be able to trust the world again.