Walking Backward Against the Wind

Today, on what would have been her 41st Birthday, I took Kara for a hike. It’s the same thing I did last year when I took her boots with me to the summit of Neahkahnie Mountain. It was only a few weeks after losing her, though, and it was pretty intense. I didn’t know what I was going to do or how I was going to feel today, but when I woke, I decided that taking her on another hike was what felt right. 

Now that I live by it, I go to Cape Lookout a lot. Its natural beauty and begging-to-be-strolled-upon stretch of beach help make it quite popular. But I figured a potentially rainy, windy winter Monday might mitigate the foot traffic. And I was right. Normally when I arrive at a trailhead and there are no other cars, I wonder how in the world I got so lucky. But the conditions this morning left no guesswork.

I was looking forward to it though, for a few reasons. Conditions like the ones out there this morning are hardly what most people want when they go for a walk on the beach. Which for my purposes, meant perfect conditions for a walk on the beach. But also, I was kind of hoping that at some point it would get miserable. I’m not entirely sure why. It couldn’t be that I felt like I needed to be punished for something or suffer more than I already have. Maybe it was because I knew it would keep everybody else away. Or perhaps it would make the experience more memorable or impactful. Or that any foreboding elements of nature would make her presence more palpable. Maybe all of that.

When I started walking it was quite breezy and the sea was certainly angry, but it wasn’t raining and there were occasional splashes of blue sky. Regardless, there is no combination of atmospheric conditions in existence that can render Cape Lookout as anything less than majestic - despite whatever effects they may have on my physical comfort. Then the rains came.

And boy did they ever. The wind decided to kick things up a notch too, of course. And I began cursing myself under my own breath for hoping that a festival of fuckery such as this would manifest itself during the outing. I was about two miles down the beach when the skies opened up and I began heading back immediately. Thankfully, I was properly geared, with multiple warm layers and a waterproof exoskeleton. But it wasn’t pleasant. Despite my hood being cinched tight down over the brim of my hat, I was still taking a not-insignificant amount of stinging sand and freezing rain to the face.

At one point I stopped walking and turned my back to the wind to give myself a break. It was so much better, that after a few moments it dawned on me to just start walking backward against the wind. Sure, I wasn’t moving nearly as quickly but it definitely took the bite out of the storm. It also allowed me a respite and a means of finding a modicum of joy in it all.

After this morning, I think I’ll try to take her on a hike every year for her Birthday. It’s as good a way as I can currently imagine to celebrate her, and it also assists in getting me through the day. Besides, it’s a proven method for me to help make a bad or uncomfortable set of circumstances feel a little more tolerable. Like walking backward against the wind.