Spiritual Eye Contact Avoidance
August 2022
After Kara’s West Coast Celebration of Life (Beermorial), I slept for the better part of the next 48 hours. A combination of being on the road for the week prior and of course, the emotional exhaustion, worry, and release of so much of everything finally caught up to me. After the last guests left I retreated to my room, had a good cry, and then crawled into bed. It was a wonderful sleep.
Up until that point, she dominated my thoughts around the clock - even when I was having a relatively good day, it was usually because I was able to focus on more contented memories of us. But between the constant real-time, “I can’t live without you” thoughts and the daily have-to-do’s, realities, and legalities that came with settling her affairs, there were no Kara-less moments until that one. Since that two-day sleep, however, I’ve noticed that I will occasionally, purposefully, avoid thinking about Kara throughout the day.
It is such a peculiar and somewhat guilt-ridden thing to do. Disallowing thoughts or memories of her to creep into my awareness - like a spiritual avoidance of eye contact so I don’t have to wave to her. I know it might sound crass, but I also know for a fact that it doesn’t mean I love her any less or that I’m attempting to forget her. I suspect there is some preservation of sanity involved with that sort of thing. A subconscious, self-imposed timeout from anguish that I should probably just accept.