Re-Entry
August 2023
After all this time spent floating around in a weighed-down weightlessness, it feels like I am finally coming back down to earth. And thus far it’s been a graceful descent, for which I am grateful. Because I did have some concerns that things might break apart upon re-entry. Instead, I’m seeing the world through damaged but fresh eyes, and much to my surprise - I like what I’m seeing.
One aspect of this new outlook is that anymore, I feel obliged not to leave potential life moments or opportunities on the table. Additionally, I’m trying to be grateful for every last one of them, fully lived or otherwise. I’ve always been able to run up a decent tally when it comes to amassing life participation points. But with the knowledge of how truly fleeting our time is indelibly etched into the forefront of my consciousness, I’m more aware than ever if I’m not working diligently enough to engage the possibilities that a given day presents.
Not like that “Live every day as if it were your last” bullshit, though. Don’t be ridiculous - if I followed that one to the letter, every day would end with either severe injury, zero resources, incarceration, or all of the above and probably worse. It’s not a FOMO thing or an “I have a free week, I should go to Europe” kind of affair either. I would describe it as more of a true appreciation of the present and all future or potential moments at my disposal. And to the degree that I am capable, utilizing the free ones in a way that reflects that ideology.
Which is all just a fancier way of saying I should go for a walk on the beach or in the woods if I’m afforded the time and inclination. But if I decide to sit on my ass and eat cheesy poofs while watching funny cat videos, be grateful for it. I recognize that coveting the opportunity to observe feline frivolity might sound like a bit of a stretch, but the point is to be present. Likewise, if there are opportunities that might pan out, I owe it to myself to pull the trigger on those. As trite as the saying might be, you do in fact miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
From very early on in this process, I told myself or anyone who would listen that Kara would want me to go on and have a good life. I believed it and knew it to be true, but looking back I think I was in a “fake it until I make it” phase. I wasn’t capable of living a good life at that time. I didn’t know what that would look like, how to go about it, or really even where to start. But I feel like I have a decent handle on all of that now.
To some degree, I view and do things the way I’m currently doing them with both of us in mind. If I was just sitting around dying on the vine, what might her thoughts on that be? If I can live a productive life that makes me happy and potentially helps others along the way, like she did, how would that make her feel? Perhaps more importantly, how would that make me feel?
Besides, if I were to go in the other direction with all of this, to either wither away or spiral out and slowly kill myself, I wouldn’t put it past her to swing some sort of deal with the powers that be. Something that would somehow put us both on this earth together just long enough for her to strangle me herself. And that remains just as motivating a factor as any. Kidding, not kidding.