Monetary Grief Receipt
June 2023
Even though we were not legally tethered in any way, Kara’s family not only graciously tended to me emotionally but also financially in the manner she had expressed to them before her passing. And truly, I could not be any more appreciative and grateful. Many of my current worldly worries have been alleviated because of it.
It’s also allowed me room to breathe, grieve, and mourn without a countdown or a clock. I cannot begin to detail what a remarkably beneficial luxury that is, and not one that everyone gets afforded.
Unfortunately, it’s also a material reminder that she’s gone and I lost everything. The ultimate unwanted trade for my “wife” and a life that was. And it’s fucked. I know she would be happy that I’m taken care of. And honestly, I’m rather sure she’d be equally pleased whether I used the money to sustain myself into old age or flame out entirely in a make-it-rain-style blaze of glory.
But right now it feels like a really tall order to derive anything positive or pleasurable from what essentially amounts to a monetary grief receipt for ultimate loss.
Same here. Denise left a big pile of money for me -- much more than I've ever had before. She definitely took care of me, told me before she passed that she didn't want me to have to worry about money, especially when she knew I'd be grieving. It's just one more thing I love her for. I balance that with the knowledge that I'd gladly give every penny of it back and then some, just to have her back, alive & well. But that won't happen. A friend recently asked if I could imagine not having any money and not having her, either. I had to admit that I could imagine that scenario, and I know a lot of people are in that boat. So, I practice being grateful and tremendously sad at the same time.
I cried my eyes out