It's Still Real
May 2022
After I joined the military, I moved around a lot. Between basic training, technical schools, clinical rotations, and standard military-style relocations, I hung my hat in quite a few different places. Then, a career change into information technology contract work saw the frequent movement continue. During that considerable span of time, I would occasionally wake up and for half a beat not remember where I was currently living.
Which could be forgiven considering I had somewhere between 40 and 50 different mailing addresses before I landed in Portland. Even worse, sometimes I couldn’t immediately remember what exactly I did for work, what I was supposed to be doing that day, or even who I was living with —if anyone. But that fog would reliably clear the moment I opened my eyes.
Now, there are mornings when I wake up and it takes me a second to realize that Kara's gone. It’s strange because even though my life was tossed into upheaval a few months ago and I’m currently living in a hotel, I know where I am and I know what I do. I even feel that, in the abstract, I know I lost my partner.
But despite all of that, the recognition of the reality that she’s no longer here will occasionally be the last switch to click on in my consciousness. Like today. Another unexpected but semi-regular stomach punch that can go fuck itself.