I Will Be.

October 2022

October has been pretty wretched thus far. To start with, this is Kara’s favorite month. If you knew her, you are quite aware that Halloween was her favorite holiday. And if you didn’t know her but you’ve seen photos, you might have guessed as much based on her outward appearance. It’s not just that it was her favorite holiday, it’s that she didn’t really give a shit about any other holiday, or any other day of the year for that matter. Well, maybe New Year’s if only for her family’s cabbage rolls. But she gave a legendarily big shit about Halloween.

As luck would have it, this Halloween, my first without her, I will be alone. It will be my last day and night living in Wheeler - in room 5 of the hotel. My safety blanket and sanctuary since the fire. I will be moving into my new place on the morning of November 1st. My first semi-permanent, for the foreseeable future home. A place I can decorate and populate with newly chosen belongings, cook bacon naked, or argue out loud with Alexa should I feel inclined to do so. And I have some pretty mixed emotions about it all. I’m going to hate to leave room 5, but I’m excited to be taking the next step. I kind of have to be. But my last night residing in the Old Wheeler Hotel will be Halloween, for fuck’s sake.

In the months following the loss, I would regularly start crying randomly, any and everywhere. Still do, actually - though to a lesser degree. And every so often someone would approach me in whatever varying states of coming unglued I was in and ask, “Are you okay, man?” to which my reply soon became, “I will be.” That little phrase did the job perfectly. It prevented the asker from sharing a hotline number with me or feeling a responsibility to contact the proper authorities. It was also succinct and quite true. I might not have been okay at the moment, but eventually…

So here we are. It’s the last week of October and it feels like fate has my snow globe in its hand and is just kind of rolling it around, like a pitcher on the mound deciding what to throw next. I anticipate that I’m going to feel worse over the next week before I feel better. It’s the last week of October, and I’m not okay. But I will be.