I Was Told There Would Be Five of These Things

“The five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – are often talked about as if they happen in order, moving from one stage to the other. You might hear people say things like ‘Oh I’ve moved on from denial and now I think I’m entering the angry stage’. But this isn’t often the case.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (the developer of the five stages of grief model) in her writing, makes it clear that the stages are non-linear – people can experience these aspects of grief at different times and they do not happen in one particular order. You might not experience all of the stages, and you might find feelings are quite different with different bereavements.” - Cruse Bereavement Support

The following ramblings are from a man who was mired in misunderstanding and frustration with the process at the time.

February 2023

Five stages, huh? Are there people out there actually cycling through all of them? Because that has not been my experience thus far. I feel like I accepted the loss more or less the moment I got the phone call from the Sheriff’s Department. He had no reason to lie about such a thing and I’d lay my own eyes on the crater that was my home hours later. Trust me when I tell you, that was some pretty immersive and radical acceptance. The same goes for instantly finding fresh inspiration for deep depression. That sort of thing tends to settle in rather quickly and for the long haul when you tragically lose the love of your life.

The acceptance of the loss and ensuing depression haven’t been stages so much as immediate new realities. And I feel if I were doing this right, acceptance would have occurred down the line somewhere. I did run through bargaining a time or two, thinking things would have gone differently had I been home when the fire started. But still, that’s just three of five.

Do I need to get all of them under my belt before I’m “fine” again? If so, how far into this do I have to get before the remaining two make an appearance? I’ve been wallowing in the acceptance of the cause of my depression from the jump and it’s getting tired. I was told there would be five entrees on the menu at this bullshit buffet and I’m ready to dig into something else.

I would welcome a heaping helping of denial. What a gift that would be - not believing this was real for even a day. Can I at least get a taste of that stage? Or some spicy anger might be a good change of pace on the palate right about now. Taking one of my nature walks and kicking sand or yelling at trees would be a purgative release. Yeah!!!! Let’s take some of this out on something!

…….No. No no no. The sand doesn’t deserve a kicking, and I can’t yell at my tree friends. Actually, I don’t want to hit or yell at anything or anybody. Damn, I can’t even rile myself into some anger. How depressing.

I’m guessing this is yet another grass is greener scenario, though. There’s probably some lady out there right now so blinded by denial that she hasn’t even begun the process of moving forward. Or a guy so consumed by anger that a downshift into depression might finally allow a cathartic cry and a respite from grinding his teeth into powder.

Maybe I’m getting whatever stages my system needs at this time. No more, no less. But if that’s the case, I think I’m done with the stages on my plate, and I’d like to settle up. I’ll pass on dessert, thanks.