Freedom's Just Another Word...

June 2022

Nobody expects much from me right now. I recognize that’s a weird thing to find solace in, but I do. If I accomplish anything that resembles carrying on with life, it’s viewed by some as borderline heroic. It’s a pretty low bar, but there’s some comfort in knowing that I can usually clear it. It gives me room to breathe, be a mess, or cancel plans if I need to, and I appreciate that.

At the moment, I essentially have no responsibilities. I mean, I have a phone bill, rent, a car, and a small handful of trivial have-to’s that come part and parcel with life in modern Western society. But beyond those - no dependents, no pets, no home, no one to answer to, and nothing to answer for. And with few exceptions, nowhere I’m supposed to be and no time I’m expected.

Which is producing a powerfully confusing melange of emotions. I’m terrified and liberated. Empowered and decimated. All of the above and then some, and it’s semi-impossible to sort. Though I’m trying my best to place as many of those descriptors of my current situation into the file labeled “Positive” as I can, and really believe it. I’m hopeful that with time I will. Because although I’m currently drenched in freedom, I’m also drowning slowly in a structureless pool of no purpose.

I technically have almost nothing left to lose, but also nowhere to go but up. So I’m struggling to suss out where I stand. And that’s been part of the problem too - it doesn’t feel like I’m standing at all. Just hovering in an aimless absence of gravity that mostly makes me feel like puking.