Cheat Codes

July 2022

No cheat code exists that will allow you to level up beyond grief. There is no shortcut or “get out of jail free” card when it comes to that form of suffering. It doesn’t stop us from trying, however. Interestingly, sometimes we as loving, empathetic humans, wish we could take it on for, or shield others from all sorts of suffering.

I remember my dad talking to me about basic training before I left for the military. And this one thing he said really stuck out to me. Actually, it’s the only thing about his pre-military talks that I remember to this day. He said, “It’s going to be terrible. Physically and mentally, it’s just a miserable experience, and I wish that I could just do it for you.” My father knew from going through boot camp and being a Marine during the Vietnam War era, that he could most certainly handle what I was about to go through. 

He knew what to expect and he’d had his physical and mental mettle tested time and again, and always made it to the other side. On top of surviving the war, he had lost his father at a young age, had numerous battles with addiction, and whatever other horrific shit life had thrown his way. It wasn’t long into my military tenure that the Alice in Chains song, “Rooster” was released, and I remember wishing I could somehow take on or absorb some of his current burdens born from such a traumatic past.

I’ve been thinking about that lately. His willingness to take it all on so I wouldn’t have to and my reciprocal feelings for him were both born from love. But what’s beyond that? Is it because he had been through so much in life that he knew he could handle it? Is the ability to deal with emotional pain and torment a skill that can be honed? A “practice makes perfect” sort of affair, where if I get my 10,000 hours of misery in, I can consider myself a world-class Master Griever? 

Maybe it's something you’re born with? An inner strength, tenacity, or some dumb luck brain chemistry that allows you to process and move forward with pain more efficiently? Or quite possibly all of the above in varying degrees.

Whatever the case, I wish he was around right about now. Not just because I love and miss him, but I know he would want to yoke some of this current load I’m carrying across his own shoulders. And even if he couldn’t do so in actuality, just knowing he was wishing with all of his heart that he could, would provide a level of support that I could tangibly feel. So perhaps he can do it after all? Maybe that old bastard was in fact a Master Griever and he’s got me trying to snatch the pebble from his hand from beyond the grave?

Or maybe I’m sad and I miss my dad. And even though he passed a few years ago, I’ve basically had my head buried in the sand when it comes to that loss. There’s still plenty of real grieving to be done on his behalf, and there always will be. The same way it’s going to be with Kara. It does get better, and we do move forward with it, as I’ve learned. But much to my chagrin, no cheat code exists that will allow us to level up beyond grief.