Butterflies With Nine Lives

Just days after the fire, the wonderful woman who was my partner before Kara, and who had to leave me because of all that my heroin addiction entailed, reached out via text. And after a few cordial back and forths, she sent me the following statement. 

"If there is such a thing as a butterfly with nine lives, that creature is you. Each time your life is reduced to gooey bits that feel like your own death, you emerge more beautiful than the last." - Stephanie Paris

I knew she was referencing some of my past resiliencies, but it can be difficult to believe something like that about yourself in the moment. I memorized those words, however, and held them close with every intent of making them prophetic. If I couldn’t find encouragement in a sentiment such as that, it’s not to be found.

As the weeks and months passed, I continued thinking about that statement. It caused me to analyze how I have responded to hardships in the past and where I could improve this time around. Again, in the name of bringing truth to her words. After much nature-aided reflection, some thoughts and intentions began to take form.

There is a tendency for us to be callused and closed off by trauma or heartbreak. Increasingly numbed by the most impactful trials and tribulations dealt to us by life. But now, significantly older and repeatedly scarred, I do my best to become more softened by those setbacks. The alternative is anger, hurt, bitterness, and the heart-hardening that all but ensures a life devoid of peace.

The loss of Kara and our home stripped away everything I had and shattered the man I was. But it has also allowed me to begin building back my life from a sort of enlightened scratch.

Because I continued living with an open heart, the loss and ensuing struggles broadened my levels of understanding, perspective, empathy, compassion, forgiveness, humility, and surprisingly, even my capacity for love. Discovering along the way the gifts that hardship blesses us with, and now using those insights as the wings to fly further and higher than I was capable before. I will never be able to thank Stephanie enough for that inspiration, but I can try to pass it along.

At some point, every one of us will be required to recalibrate the meaning of the word “insurmountable.” Whether due to addiction, loss, trauma, or profound hardship of any sort, if you’re walking the earth today, you already have at least a time or two. And you likely will again.

We hold unknowable strength and the ability to rise from the ashes to embody more divine versions of our previous selves. I truly believe that come what may, if we dare to continue embracing life with hearts wide open and love unrestrained, we might all metamorphize into butterflies with nine lives.