December 2020
I love my life co-pilot with all my heart. But who amongst us is without folly? Certainly not me. While her positive attributes may be too numerous to compile, I must admit that Kara's capacity for "collection" is not among them. Whether it's broken kitchen gadgets or issues of misdelivered Ebony Magazine that she didn't order or read, yet saved in boxes, the lady views the act of discarding anything with disdain. But seriously honey, Ebony?
It’s a fine publication in and of itself. Though with little in the way of relevant cultural crossover or interest for my beloved Appalachian goth gal, they remained all but untouched and in mint condition for the duration of their closeted captivity. Though I did get caught up on LaLa and Carmelo. I root for those kids.
However, her truest form of inner hoarder steps up and announces its presence with authority, whenever food is involved. I’ve watched in awe, this woman grimace, lurch, and occasionally fight through tears to choke down a box of two-week-old leftovers from the back of the fridge. In a way it’s impressive. It also kind of scares the shit out of me.
Last night was a prime example. While whipping up a veggie dip to snack on, she remembered we had a can of water chestnuts in the pantry. Delightful, I thought! What a welcomed and pleasing textural element they will add. But when she opened them, something was amiss. Very amiss.
The unsettling, cursed-tomb hiss that emanated from the can, immediately caused me to alert. Additionally, they possessed a most unnatural and unholy shade of grey. A color that triggers a primal, instinctive assertion that if ingested, the entire contents of one’s gastrointestinal tract might execute a brutal, simultaneous north and south exodus that may or may not culminate in a dirt nap.
Of course, she eats one and announces that they’re "a little off, but okay to eat." To which I respond, "Are they expired?"
"They're beyond the Best By Date."
"How long ago?"
"Probably too long."
"Yeah, but when?"
"2013."
"…So seven years ago? …Those were expired before you moved from Pennsylvania."
"Your math is correct."
"I wish it wasn’t. Please don't use those."
"Okay."
"Thanks."