Advanced Directives

February 2023

I took my mother to the hospital this morning to drop her off for back surgery. It’s the fourth time I’ve been through the inpatient procedure gauntlet with her. And as is always and understandably the case, she was a little nervous in the waiting room. Also per usual, I was attempting to lighten the mood with humor. Which she typically appreciates - especially after the fact. But I keep it simple. Typically just one-liners, dad jokes, and off-color medical cracks as I tend to be sharp as a donut wits-wise around 4:45 am. 

“Now when you come out of surgery, don’t let them give you any of that Jardiance business. That’s the stuff that can give you a touch of necrotizing fasciitis of the perineum - good lord! Remember that commercial?”

“Taint rot. Terrible stuff.”

“No shit. Does it get any worse? And such a specifically gruesome side effect. How does something like that even happen? Why go after just the gooch!?”

“I’m not sure, guy…. Hey, I put my Advanced Directives on the bulletin board next to the fridge in case you need them.”

“Copy that…….. Hey, did I ever tell you that I like my directives the same way I like my women in bed?.... Advanced!!!”

“What is wrong with you, guy?”

“How much time you got?”

“Not nearly enough.”

“Good one.”