A Gaslighting Mastermind

My mother’s cognitive abilities have begun to wane in recent years. She is very much aware of this fact and we are both learning and doing everything within our collective powers to mitigate the process and its effects. One of those tools is humor. It’s something our family does, even when it leans dark - utilize humor to soften the blow.

I mention that almost as a disclaimer. Because we laugh an awful lot about it. And with her permission, actually, at her urging, I will be sharing some of the episodes and incidents that have caused us to laugh together the hardest. Not only because these are funny stories, but because they can prompt questions or discussions about how to deal with what’s happening. Quite often after we are done wiping the laughter-tears from our faces, we will have a talk about how to handle similar occurrences in the future. What I or we could try or do differently. 

Perhaps these anecdotes will prompt some readers to have a conversation with their own loved ones or do their own investigating into the topic. Much like my hope with the grief essays. These are difficult topics that I feel are not dealt with nearly to the extent that they should be. And if we can manage to get a giggle out of it along the way, then all the better. 

First out of the chute is how tending to a loved one whose cognitive ability has begun to wane is almost like having a relationship with a gaslighting mastermind. Here are just three of the many recent incidents between Mom and me.

Example 1

Mom: “Oh I saved a movie on Netflix for us to watch together. It’s called Crazy, Stupid, Love.”

Me: “Yeah we watched that together last year, ma. I’ve seen it a few times but I’ll totally watch it again.”

Mom: “You sure, guy?”

Me: “Pretty sure.”

30 minutes into the movie.

Mom: “Yeah guy, I’ve never seen this before.”

Me: “Okay, ma - thought we did.”

To myself: “I know we watched this last summer.”

5 minutes later.

To myself: “Did we, though? Maybe I’m thinking of the Notebook?”

Example 2

Me: “The crock pot smells great, ma! Did you put onions in there with the roast?”

Mom: “Oh I forgot! But I could cut one up and put it in there really quick if you like.”

Me: “No worries - it’s almost done. Maybe next time?”

Mom: “Sure thing!”

Text conversation.

Mom: “When you come over Sunday I’m going to make another crockpot dinner with chicken, cauliflower, celery, carrots, chicken stock, mushrooms, and mushroom soup. We can put it over butter noodles. It will be delish!”

Me: “No onions?”

Mom: “You want onion in there? We can put one in if you really want to.”

To myself: Is she messing with me?

Example 3

Text conversation.

Mom: “It looks like you got your first caregiver check in the mail!”

Me: “Awesome! Will you open it and tell me how much it is?”

Mom: “It’s $X.”

Me: “Very cool! How many hours does it say I worked on the pay stub?”

Mom: “It looks like they took out $X for Federal taxes and $X for State taxes. Then $X for union dues. The pay period is from May 22nd to June 4th and they paid you $X an hour. That’s about it.”

To myself: Is she screwing with me?

5 Minute pause in text.

Me: “Did it say how many hours I worked.”

Mom: “Yes, X. I figured I would give you all of the info on the stub.”

To myself: Yep, actively being messed with.